Unromantic Films to Ignore Valentine's Day With

Withnail and I,This is Spinal Tap, The Beyond, Chainsaw Massacre,

Feb 10, 2009

For those souls unable to stomach another bout of 27 Dresses or Knocked Up here are a few non-seasonal alternatives.

The first two weeks of February can be a nightmare for anyone who wants to watch a halfway decent film. Cinema listings and television schedules are crammed full of soulless, lobotomised rom-coms that have been scraped together by some wretched teenager three weeks out of film school. For anybody planning on spending the Valentine’s season alone, or with a partner who isn’t a vacuous ocean of insipidness, there couldn’t be a better time to head out to the DVD store. But what to choose when you get there? What films stick the two most perfectly manicured fingers up at He’s Just Not That Into You and its ilk?

Withnail and I (1986)

The antithesis to anything vaguely romantic. Two out of work and rampantly alcoholic actors take refuge from 1960’s London in a ramshackle Lake District cottage. Under the influence of near fatal quantities of wine they fall foul of local poachers, gay uncles, tea shop proprietors, and each other. The only scene that could feasibly be described as passionate involves Uncle Monty (Richard Griffiths) demanding of Marwood (Paul McGann), “…I mean to have you even if it must be burglary.”

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974)

Though relentlessly diluted by pointless sequels, remakes, and imitators, the 1974 original remains one of cinema’s most nerve-shredding movies. An inbred family of slaughterhouse workers hone their skills on a convoy of wholesome adolescents. Though heavy petting and scenes of an amorous nature can be observed they come with a stark warning. Anyone cavorting semi-naked through the long grass may well end up on the unpleasant end of a meat hook.

This Is Spinal Tap (1984)

The most notorious “rockumentary” of them all, Spinal Tap follows the eponymous band as they try and scrape together the remnants of their credibility nearly a decade after their flatulent heyday. Although the concert scenes are painstakingly choreographed much of the dialogue is ad-libbed by satirical stalwarts Christopher Guest, Michael McKean, and Harry Shearer. The film also marked the directorial debut of Rob Reiner. Love songs written for, and performed in, the movie include Sex Farm, Big Bottom, and Tonight I’m Gonna Rock You Tonight.

The Beyond (1981)

From the legendary horror director Lucio Fulci this title may be a little harder to track down than the others. Without such hindrances as a coherent plot or legible script The Beyond offers its undivided attention to gore-splattered, zombie-induced brutality. Fulci’s minimal budget was spent exclusively on offal to produce graphic sequences of eyes being gorged, faces being melted, and artists being crucified. Quite simply the most effective use of bad accents and useless flaps of skin this side of Bridget Jones.

Perhaps not so much in keeping with the other films on this list, Wuthering Heights harks back to an era when Hollywood still had an iota of passion and integrity. Laurence Olivier and Merle Oberon writhe and curl with equal parts ardour and animosity, feeding of each others’ brooding vitriol as the second most famous star-crossed lovers in literary history. While the dramatics may be looking a little dated these days the emotional ferocity highlights the anaemic nature of 21st century “romances”. It is hard to imagine Adam Sandler as a convincingly brooding Heathcliff.

The copyright of the article Unromantic Films to Ignore Valentine's Day With in Romantic Comedy Films is owned by Rowan Darby. Permission to republish Unromantic Films to Ignore Valentine's Day With in print or online must be granted by the author in writing.